Inhabitable
by omon
Summary: We shift and bend to love each other, inhabit each other. As I look back into our past I see all of these moments- snippets of lives that have come together to create one thing. One life, together.


**Inhabitable **_[in-hab-it]  
_verb (used with object)  
1. To live or dwell in (a place).  
2. To **exist** or be **situated ****within**; dwell in.

* * *

Her laugh.

Her husky Jane laugh.

It is like music in my ears.

I hear it in my sleep and I wear it in my dreams.

That laugh.

I'm going to spend my whole life loving that laugh,

and listening to the smile that goes along with it.

I can just see it now.

Her head tilted back, chin pointed towards the sky as her chest rumbles.

Laugh after laugh.

Breath after breath.

And I can not wait.

I put one foot in front of the other, but I feel like I am standing still.

I am moving forward, physically.

But I am also moving forward metaphorically.

Every step bringing me closer and closer.

Farther and farther.

Closer to the woman I want to be.

Farther from the woman I was.

Each step draws a memory, a feeling inside of me.

These memories and feelings twist and turn and send me spinning.

They create this delicate pattern of love and loss and life.

My life.

Our life.

My arms are bent into my chest.

They are linked on either side by her brothers.

Her beautiful brothers who have wormed their way into my heart.

Her brothers, who sometimes, feel like my brothers.

_My brothers._

The words feel beautiful in my mouth.

Feel beautiful on my heart.

They love me; keep me safe.

They are there when she can not be,

when work or anger or fighting keep us apart.

"Be strong" they would tell me. "She loves you."

She. Loves. Me.

She loves me.

How is that even possible.

Me in all my science and sharpened pencils.

Her in all her baseball bats and car washing rags.

I've lived my life convinced that I was unlovable; uninhabitable.

But that's changed.

One step forward.

One step farther.

Farther from feeling lonely and ostracized.

Farther from feeling different.

Weird.

Alienated.

I feel the sand displace around my feet as each foot repeatedly sinks down into it with each step.

The sand.

It is everything inside my heart that I can not say.

It makes room as I enter.

It moves aside to let me in.

It shifts and changes, but it is always there.

So many singular grains; so many pieces.

But all together, one entity.

One thing.

That is us- our relationship- any relationship.

We shift and bend to love each other,

inhabit each other.

As I look back into our past I see moments.

Snippets of life that have come together to create one thing.

One life; together.

I see the moment I knew;

Knew that this woman would be my forever.

My always.

My Jane.

I see that day on the benches by the park, how she gave me half of her sandwich.

The day after her and Frankie got into a snowball fight and she let me comb through the wet tangles in her hair.

I see her smiling at me from her side of the bed as my eyes blink open; awake.

I see her laughing.

Laughing at me.

Laughing _with_ me.

Another step closer and I see our backyard.

Our garden over flowing.

The yellow swing set from her childhood placed strategically to the left.

Waiting.

Another step and I see tears.

I see the anger and the passion.

I see myself trying to flee as she reaches out and grabs my wrist,

pulls me back,

wakes. me. up.

I see her eyes, filled with confusion and anger.

I hear her words, pleading.

"Just tell me if I'm being crazy, Maura. Because you're making me fucking crazy."

"You're not crazy." I whispered to her.

She still held my wrist.

"Just tell me I'm not the only one feeling this."

She wasn't.

She never was.

From the moment I met her I knew I loved her.

Knew she was someone who could love me, too.

But for so long I didn't want to believe it.

Couldn't trust it.

Now here we are.

Two steps forward.

Three steps closer.

Four steps farther.

I see my mother from the corner of my eye.

I turn my head to meet her eyes and she smiles at me.

She. sees. me.

She is here.

I smile back at her and I feel tears burning my eyes but I ignore them.

She mouthes the words _Je t'adore._

It sends shivers up my spine.

Another step forward and I see my father in my minds eye.

I see the last time I saw him, lying in that hospital bed.

My father who loved me from the minute I showed up in his life.

My father, my papa, who always knew the things I loved.

Who always reminded me that I _was_ loved.

That I. could. love.

I would do anything to bring him back, have him walking with me right now, but I can't.

So instead I think of him.

Think of him the first time he met my Jane.

I remember that night, after everyone had left the hospital room.

He'd asked my mother to leave.

"I need to speak with my Maura." he'd said. "I need to talk to my girl."

He shifted in his bed, moved the wires and tubes to the side, invited me in.

For a moment I didn't understand.

I was unsure.

But suddenly all I wanted was to be near him, to feel him.

I slipped onto the bed beside him and drew my arms around his stomach.

Buried my face in his neck.

Smelled that familiar scent of Old Spice and books.

"Calm, Maura. Be calm."

I couldn't.

I knew the second I let myself breathe, I would cry.

And I couldn't do that.

Not now.

"I miss you already." I whispered to him.

His fingers ran upwards and downwards over the skin on my arm.

Just like when I was young and afraid.

As if nothing had changed.

As if he didn't have cancer.

As if he wasn't dying.

"You don't need me anymore, my love." he says to me.

I feel my chest heave.

Feel his arms tighten around me.

"There will come a day when I won't be able to protect you, and that day is not too far away.

And it will be hard.

And you will miss me."

he pauses.

I hear tears laced through his words.

"But you will always be protected. You will always be loved."

He holds out my left hand, brings it up between us.

"Look, mon amour."

I do.

He runs his pointer finger over the skin on my ring one, and I shiver.

"Someone is going to put a ring here one day, and that person is going to love you. That person _already _loves you. And she is standing right outside those doors."

I squeeze my eyes shut.

"And when I am gone, she will take my place as your defender. She will be your guardian."

He takes my hand and places it over my chest, atop my pounding heart.

"Let her in there, petite fille. Let her see."

I feel my resolve crumble as my tears flow freely.

A sob is born from my throat.

He soothes it away.

Kisses my hair.

Lets me say my goodbye as he says his.

I take another step forward and the memory leaves me.

I can feel him.

I know he is here.

His hand is pushing me on,

pushing me to my home.

I take my last step forward.

And I am here.

At my future.

Tommy reaches out and lays a hand on her shoulder, and she turns.

She looks at me for the first time in two days.

Her eyes water.

My eyes water.

I hug each of my brothers.

Tommy.

Frankie.

Tommy again.

He takes my hand and guides it towards Jane's.

She reaches out,

fingers trembling.

"You look beautiful." she whispers to me.

I smile, look down at my bare toes in the sand, smile again.

"So do you."

My dress is long and catches in the breeze that the beach offers.

Her suit isn't black, but light grey, and the shimmer of the yellow blouse underneath glints in the setting sun.

We stand facing each other,

facing our destinies.

Out to the side is our family, loved ones, witnesses.

There are not many people.

There are only a few rows.

But they are all the people in the world; in my world.

They love me.

They love me.

They. Love. Me.

I am loved.

I have love.

I am sure.

The man with the book rambles on until it is my turn to talk.

He says my name.

I feel my stomach drop.

My butterflies flap their wings.

"There was a time when I never thought this was possible." I begin.

"I never thought I would have the life that I have- the family that I have.

But I do.

You see, Jane, there was a time when I thought I was unlovable.

Uninhabitable.

But you changed that."

I take hold of her hand as I step closer.

I place it over my chest, just atop my heart, covering the spot where my fathers palm had been just months earlier.

"You changed that, because you're in here. In my heart, Jane.

You must have used some kind of fancy police bobby-pin technique to open that lock but you did it. And I will always love you for it.

Even when we fight.

Even when you forget to put mushrooms on the pizza.

I'll always love you because I have no choice, now.

You live inside here.

Inside my heart.

And I promise to forgive, and apologize, and bandage the things that need bandaging.

I promise to remember your laugh, and know your fears, and forget your mistakes.

I promise to love you.

Really love you.

And if you would have it, I promise to be your wife.

Forever."

She nods.

Her cheeks are rosy.

Little TJ shimmies off of Angela's lap and runs towards me.

I bend down to his level, and when he reaches me, the throws his arms around my neck.

"I love you, Mowa" he whispers into my skin.

I feel his little fingers entwining with the hair flowing down my back as he holds me tight.

"I love you too, little man." I whisper in response.

He pulls pack slightly and digs one of his little hands into his pocket, pulling out the ring that I will put on my wife's finger.

And there it will stay.

Forever.

He places it into my palm and smiles at me.

His other hand drops from my neck and I smile back, ready to stand.

But just before I do, he places a kiss to the tip of my nose.

Softly.

Gently.

My heart has never felt so full.

He turns and bobbs down the aisle back to his seat.

I stand and look into my wife's eyes.

"I do, Maura." she says to me. "I do."

I slip the ring on.

My own already secured onto my left finger.

And she kisses me.

And I kiss her back.

And when she pulls back, she laughs.

Her husky Jane laugh.

It is like music in my ears.

I hear it in my sleep and I wear it in my dreams.

That laugh.

I'm going to spend my whole life loving that laugh,

and I don't think I've never been so happy.

* * *

**This story means so much to me.**  
**I hope it can mean something to you, too.**  
**Please, be kind.**

**O **


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